my little explorer

I haven’t had the time to take tetsu to the park for a while… It’s strange not taking him to the park because we usually go out once or twice everyday during the summer… On Saturday, Christine came home to visit and she was able to babysit Keita while he napped so I had the chance to take tetsu out for some outside time… Watching him explore his surroundings reminded me of why i loved taking him out despite how difficult taking him out might be (it often takes an hour to try to convince him and to get him ready to go out, and another hour to get him back in the house… seriously).  He is the most incredible little explorer.  He notices the smallest things.  He will see the little spider that is hiding amongst a sea of weeds, he will discover that unremarkable purple flower by the lake that goes “pop” when you squeeze it, and he will notice that weird brown cheerio looking thing that someone dropped on the brown bark mulch ground that really looked like it was just part of the bark mulch…  My heart is filled with so much joy when I watch him navigate the world around him that suddenly the insanity in getting him out/in the hour is worthwhile…

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motherhood

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my boys. so blessed to have them.

tetsu has had his share of visits to the emergency, but nothing serious has ever transpired.  one of the most recent visits we made to the emergency was because of an allergic reaction that caused the conjunctiva of his eye to swell up.  it didn’t bother him, but it looked scary and strange, and we needed to know that it wasn’t going to cause any serious harm.

keita has never had to go to the emergency, thank God.  However, there are little hiccups in the six months of his life that we’ve had to take him to the doctor for.  For now, there is nothing serious that we know.  We have an appointment with a paediatrician the end of this week to do some check up, but I think keita is okay…

but you know, the moment when you feel like you need to take your child to see the doctor, or the long hours of waiting you need to live through before you actually get to see the doctor and hear the verdict… those are very difficult moments.  i remember being so upset, and praying and praying and praying, and asking God to be the healer that he is for my children… and i remember how difficult it was to accept that my children are dealing with these problems, even though they are really so so so small in the whole scheme of things…  but still, i was so sad for my children who have no idea what is going on, and i was so upset that my children have to deal with those things (but really, i don’t know what they are dealing with, maybe they feel nothing!).

and i come across mothers who have had to deal with things that are so much more serious, and my heart breaks for them and their babies…

i have been so encourage and inspired by michaela and her faith in God… “Imagine if your tiny baby appeared to be born healthy, and suddenly you received a diagnosis so terrible that you thought you would die. But in fact the doctor told you your baby would die, probably sooner rather than later, and not only that you would watch her muscles die too, all of them. You had a few short months of newborn bliss, of not knowing anything was wrong, and suddenly the world opened up and swallowed your little family whole.” And yet in the very same post, she goes on to say “He’s got my back, though the world wants to tell me to forsake Him and scream at Him and ask Him what the hell is taking Him so long.”

and there is diana… i just came across her blog today through a twitter retweet… her sweet baby boy is going to see Jesus today… and my heart breaks for her… “Where is the hope for him? My miracle? Why can’t he just be healed? Why is God allowing this all to happen to my tiny son? What is the point in allowing him to suffer like this as we all stand and watch helplessly, to give us a day of rejoicing only to rip it away and smash it to pieces in an instant? How long can my faith hold onto a Savior that lets us go through this a second time? I am furious, my mind races of a thousand ways to bribe Him into doing my will, on my timeline. I would give anything for Kaden to get well. To get that miracle.” And i have no words… just sending my thoughts and prayers and lots of love for this family…

and i don’t really know if there is a point to this post… i have no words, really.  God is so good to me and I am so blessed… but i don’t know why such terrible things can happen to these beautiful babies and women of faith…

motherhood

there is something about being a mother… something about watching your child grow and learn.  there is no word to describe this “something.”  i am so thankful that i was able to spend SO much focused time with tetsu from his birth until he was just over 13 months old… and i am thankful that i returned to school instead of work.  as a student, my time is so much more flexible than work time and i was still there to see him pick up new tricks and learn new things. 

a part of me feels so sad that tetsu won’t have this kind of undivided attention from me once the new baby comes and a part of me is so happy that he gets to be a big brother (especially having seen how he adores littler babies… seriously, today, he kept kissing and trying to take care of a 4 month old).  there are smaller parts of me that wonder if i really want to go straight through school without taking time off for the new baby, especially thinking back to how much tetsu changed and grew between 6 month and 12 month.  i feel like once the baby is here, i would want to watch him grow and learn things… but for now, it’s not a huge concern yet.  my primary concern right now is still tetsu.  tetsu is my only child at the moment and so mostly i am really just feeling sad that he won’t have mama all to himself in about a month time…

here are a couple of pictures from before he turned one… he was just learning to stand by himself then :)ImageImage

a heavy heart

http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/50223112#50223112

It’s been a few days since the shooting in Connecticut. When Trevor told me about it on Friday, i didn’t think much of it. At the time, in the midst of all the craziness of raising a toddler, it just seemed liked another news that is telling the world that American gun laws need to be reviewed. I finally sat down to read more about it today, and it breaks my heart seeing all these young kids killed… my heart is heavy.  I look at Tetsu as he is eating his apple, dancing in front of Christmas lights… he is so full of signs of life.  I don’t know what to say.  I can’t imagine been one of these parents… They had expected to pick up their child at the end of the school day in the same liveliness as when they dropped them off… It breaks my heart.

Tetsu can be very difficult and tiring… but I am hugging him extra tight and giving him extra kisses.  I want to protect him forever, I want to do everything I can to ensure his safety… but there is so little that I can do… and I just pray that this little boy of mine will live out the life that God has intended for him…

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV)

13 months old

At 13 months old, this boy…
– chases after older kids running in the playground with his squeal of excitement and that face he does when he is happy.
– dances when he hears music
– loves fruits and vegetables
– walks everywhere, and it is the cutest thing I tell you.

There are so so so much I want to remember. But he is changing so fast, and words just doesn’t do him any justice. He is the craziest and funniest baby I know. And you know what, he is mine. I am so blessed.